Deadline Day has passed and the wreckage from the meltdown is strewn haphazardly around us. Tweets that people will look upon with hindsight in a mixture of guilt and disgust. Facebook posts calling out the very thing they proclaim to adore now hanging in the internet ether like a piece of ugly graffiti with no one looking to claim ownership. Like a person after a drunken liaison with someone resembling a burst haggis – certain people will view their actions with crimson-faced regret.
With this in mind, I disclose details of an exclusive for The Hot Stepanovs. We asked a random Arsenal fan to take part in an unobtrusive experiment. Within a controlled environment, this Gooner would experience the harrowing Deadline Day under our gaze. Armed with their smartphone and laptop, they were asked to conduct themselves how they would normally during the last day of the transfer window. We now reveal the findings –
Twitter Entry – 0900hrs
#DeadlineDay on SkySports! Time for Wenger to spend some of that warchest! Striker and Coq cover pls! #Arsenal
Facebook Post – 0934hrs
Read that Wenger is in Paris!! Cavani, Rabiot, Verratti are all there! Wenger hopefully going BIIG!!
Twitter Entry – 0957hrs
Some people saying Cavani joining! Seen having a coffee with Wenger! Or at least a long-haired fella was with Arsene. Looks good though! #Arsenal #Cavani #£££££
Twitter Entry – 1017hrs
@SkySportsHQ reporting that no one knows what is happening at Arsenal! The mystery! Dick Law is running deep undercover!!! #Signings
Instagram Post – 1103hrs
#DeadlineDaySelfie Got @SkySportsNews on TV, Scouring the web for news! I’ll be here all day!
Twitter Entry – 1134hrs
We are all waiting for @DavidOrnstein !! He has the info, we are all wanting the lowdown on a double swoop at #PSG !!
Twitter Entry – 1146hrs
What we have isn’t good enough! Look at Girouds miss Vs Newcastle! 14 goals in a League season isn’t top class! Time to spend! #Cavani #Lewandowski #Anyone
Twitter Entry – 1203hrs
Getting pissed off now. Wenger has the cash, why does he want to save it? Just get your finger out! #SpendSomeMoney #Tightwad
Twitter Entry – 1204hrs
AW says he only wants top quality, so what is Goetze? What is Cavani? Players are out there!! Go out and get them!
Facebook Post to Arsenal Group – 1235hrs
I swear if I read anything from Wenger about no players out there I’m going to fucking explode. So many quality players out there that could improve us and the first four games show we aren’t good enough! Why can’t he see that?
Twitter Reply to an Official Arsenal Tweet – 1241hrs
Fuck Off! I don’t care about bellerin signing a new deal! Where the fuck is Cavani? No striker and making do with Giroud? We’re screwed! #FuckOff #WengerOut #Cavani
Twitter Entry – 1256hrs
@DavidOrnstein what is happening? Why won’t you tell us who #Arsenal are signing? C’mon, I need to know!! #Cavani #AFC #SignAllThePlayers
*At this point our medical team had to step in as the test subject started to flagellate. He was bound by straps and given medication to sedate.
Twitter Entry – 1634hrs
Just seen from a ‘source’ that Cavani was spotted in a HobbyCraft in Brent Cross! It’s gonna happen!! #Cavani #DreamStriker
Facebook Post – 1648hrs
Arsenal linked with Callum Wilson from Bournemouth and Mahrez from Leicester! Top quality players!! They will boost our team! We can’t score for toffee so these players will help! Get that chequebook out Wenger!
Twitter Entry – 1703hrs
#DeadlineDay ends in less than an hour! I’m not worried though, as people on here say that Wenger is in Bournemouth, Dick Law is in Dortmund and Gazidis is in Lidl. We will tie up these deals! C’mon #Arsenal #Signings
Twitter Entry – 1709hrs
Man Utd have just spent over £50m on a striker! Man City the same on De Bruyne! We need to keep up! We’ll be left behind! I’m so worried!
Tumblr Blog Post – 1734hrs
Hi fellow Gooners. I’m a mess. Every club is out doing their business, or if they aren’t, they’ve done it early, like Swansea. Why the FUCK haven’t we added? We signed Cech well early, it looked like finally Wenger was going to get what the team required. Yet, here we are, less than 30minutes until the window closes, and there is no one on the horizon. Not one player at Colney having a medical. Despite all the people saying we were getting Benzema, Cavani, Goetze, we’ve got diddly squat.
So what is Wenger doing? Why was he in Paris?
He has had the best seat in the house over the last four games to see we haven’t been good enough. This means we need new blood. Giroud has been a hard worker but isn’t world class. Theo can’t do it up top, as shown by the Newcastle game. Sanchez can’t do it on his own. If we don’t strengthen then Ozil, Sanchez and co will get fed up and leave! Arsene, you’re going to kill this club!!
#AFC #Arsenal #Gunners #SignAnyone
Twitter Entry – 1747hrs
Bournemouth have signed Glenn Murray from Palace!! He would’ve been perfect for us! Fox in the box! What about Wilson? Will he be leaving now? I need details!! We NEED SOMEONE! GIVE US A STRIKER WENGER!!!!!!!!
Twitter entry – 1753hrs
Twitter Entry – 1759hrs
OMG!!!!! It’s been revealed by an ‘inside source’ that we’ve re-signed Nicklas Bendtner! The Lord has returned! He’ll fire us to the League! Wenger you genius! Only cost us £48million! Bargain! #Bendtner #Saviour #WorldClass
Twitter Entry – 1804hrs
#DeadlineDay has closed! #Arsenal have done excellent business! Just imagine Bendtner feeding from Ozil! What a team! #Bendtner
Twitter Entry – 1832hrs
It’s Bollocks!!! Bendtner is still in Germany! Wenger signed NO ONE!! We’re fucking doomed to mediocrity again! Welcome to the 4th place chase again!!! Fuck Sake….
Facebook Post – 1859hrs
To my family,
I can’t deal with this disappointment any more. Year after year, I’m promised so much, only for my hopes to be dashed repeatedly. I can’t deal with it any more.
Photo is attached –
Twitter Entry – 1935hrs
I’ve had enough! all that money and Wenger spends none of it! He’s a fucking liability! Chelsea and City, Utd and Liverpool, they know how to work! Fucking proper clubs! #Pileofshit
*At this point, medical staff had to interject once again and we ended the experiment. It would seem from our results that the Transfer Deadline Day causes Arsenal fans to suffer from elevated heart rates, Blood Pressure irregularities, Nervous system failures and also in extreme cases, fluid leakage from all orifices.
The last post from our test subject was an Instagram post. We warn all readers that are sensitive to graphic images and all those under 18, that this may not be suitable.
In accordance with our findings, we will be sending our results to the F.A and recommend the closure of the Transfer Window.
Instagram Post – 1958hrs